Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
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HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
BOSS: why are you late?
ME: