Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
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Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
O Wise One….
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”