Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
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Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”