Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
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me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
live long and prosper!
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Accurate
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
whatcha thinkin bout
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.