When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
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just make the entire table out of coaster
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
I’m not wrong
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
wow he looks just like him
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer