My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
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Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Living the best life.. 😊
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.