I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
You Might Also Like
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
peeping toms
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think