Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
You Might Also Like
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.