And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
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I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.