People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
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interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Every time my phone rings
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.