A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
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The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”