They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
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WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three