I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
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My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!