ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
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5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”