5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
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Make your daily standup meeting shorter
just gave your address to some spiders
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
checking out some reviews of my local library
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
He wanted to make sure😂
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.