If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
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Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I am having an out of money experience.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.