One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
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No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Easy enough.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again