They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
You Might Also Like
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Go girl power!
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means