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i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!