It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
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My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
when someone rings the doorbell
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”