After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
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My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller