Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
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Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Bill is short for Billiam
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above