[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
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A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Jupiter
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵