Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
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Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.