I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
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Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.