Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
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Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
LMAO
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Breaking news:
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet