I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
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[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?