Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
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i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Damn what did I do next
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done