Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
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My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
And bowling should be called pinball
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.