The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
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When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me