“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
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Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.