[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
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The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
What the hell happened here.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”