If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
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something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Two types of dogs.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Finally a use for spoilers…
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Hmmmmm
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?