hmm conte-me mais
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What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Who says great literature is dead?
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]