Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
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Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50