trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
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Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
The game has officially changed 😎
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)