If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
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“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.