Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
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Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
when the buffet is more honest than your date