wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
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Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
New favorite tiktok
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.