When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
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Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Happy birthday to all the women
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.