Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
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Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
stop
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.