[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
You Might Also Like
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
rapatouille
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.