“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
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1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
the last thing a carrot sees
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
My favorite female superhero
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all