me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
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BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice