Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
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Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?