*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
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The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I laughed at this way too hard.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Me irl
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.