goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
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Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT: