Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
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I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.