I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
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i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit