My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
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Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.